THE FOLLOWING IS A MESSAGE FROM A FORMER STUDENT AND MY ANSWER.
Hey Dad,
It took me
a while to write this email. I only get the feeling but not quite sure what is
happening.
Last time I called, I told you I was looking for a position in new media
operation after I realized that I would not practice journalism in a domestic newspaper anymore. But at that point, I don't quite
understand what I can do in this field and decided to talk to more people. It
turned out in vein. The situation of new media in China is that people take it so easy
and want it so big. I talked and worked with some leaders of new media
projects(not very good one but the best I could find at that moment). The
working experience wasn't so good and I really lack the motivation and ability
to take the reform. So I left.
I have many interested things
that I want to learn. I have a list for them. So I decided maybe I should try a
different field on my list and see what will that do to me. My next try is
fashion. Changing career is so hard...my resources are all in journalism so no
one can help me out. I wait for a long period and get rejected so many times. I
got panic and later...desperate. Then I got a job in a fashion studio and
started as a PR and marketing specialist. You can tell how excited I am. The
passion faded soon because of the boring work and repeated life. And I met a
group of colleagues that I never met before, in a bad way...I got nothing
to gain from the work and I could not see a future career, and that's the worst
I could expect. But I am so afraid that the pending period is gonna happen
again and I don't have more money to get me through this. I was facing the most
severe financial crisis at that moment. If you told me this situation years
ago, I would've told you it's a piece of cake. "Just follow your
heart." I would say. Now, it's such a hard decision. I started to wonder
if it was my own problem and became very stressful. I hate myself when I was
like that.
Anyway, I was job-hunting again while I'm still working for the studio.
Everyday work is killing me but I am more clear of what I want. I know
marketing or being an entrepreneur wasn't my interest at least for
now. And there is still a couple of things on my list that I want to try.
Foreign media, foreign affairs, UN. After a month, I was offered to work with
Le Monde. I wasn't as excited as the moment I get the
fashion studio job because I am more familiar and give more thoughts about the
job. And I know that job will suit me.
I am a
dreamer. And being a dreamer takes prices. That's the first time I realize how
many and how harsh these difficulty might be if you want to make your dream
come true. It takes me a while to pull myself together again and I am all back
now. I think part of the reason why I break down so much is that all of these
happened too fast. It all squeezed in half an year. I hardly had time to
breath.
I believe
in optimism and I am trying hard to practice it all the time. But I find it
harder and harder to always keep that in mind. What happened to me is all that
we've talked about or I've read about before. It's called life. But the
feelings are so so different, so real and sometimes cruel when you're really
living it. "KEEP YOUR HEADS UP'' or "KEEP OPTIMISTIC" sounds
more like a slogan or a bit cliche to me before. But now I realize how heavy
these lines are. I am not afraid of or hate life, love it instead as long as I
still have dreams that I want to accomplish and optimism as my belief.
And
relationship is still fresh and good. It has been hard for Vincent and I during
the last six months. We experienced my depression, my sickness(I was quite ill
and in hospital for a couple of times) and financial crisis. Nothing
particularly good had happened this year but we deal with it well. I'm very
sure he is the kind of guy I am looking for.
So far so
good. It is a good lesson to learn. And it makes me stronger.
MY ANSWER:
Thanks for the
detail. I learned again how hard life can be in your generation of China.
Try this.
You are a
victim of the accelerated growth that has been the foundation of China since
you were born. I/we tend to throw statistics around without due consideration
of their consequences. How easy it is to let the facts trip off the tongue: 35
years of growth at between 10-12% a year, never before in human history.
Yes but what
does that mean in human terms?
It means
changes not only in infrastructure, dams, roads, airports, planes and
urbanization, but the cultural changes from a society that developed from
famine levels of starvation not that long before you were born to a nation that
now exports food and has become the world's second largest of economy before
you reach your 30th birthday.
The only
equivalents are in European societies that emerged from World War II with
destroyed economies toward a return to the days of mature and prosperous Middle
Class societies 30 years later. But that was on a small geographical continent
with a tiny population compared to China.
But what does it
all mean for Hu Pther you could swim in this universe of rapid change. You were
pushed into the pool and have had to swim for your life ever since.
Your parents
split over the strain and they are among the relatively privileged. That only
added to your burden of trying to figure out what this life is all about.
You and your
colleagues have had to find their way in a universe where not only is change
the one constant; accelerated change never leaves you a moment to think and
breathe.
Stimulation is
all around you. The media may be the vehicle, but consider just one difference
in your life from not that long ago.
Mobility.
How many places
have you lived and for how long? This was not a part of Chinese culture until
relatively recently. Yet the ease of changing jobs and changing your life is
all around you.
Don't like what
you are doing? Change.
Don't like
where you are living? Change.
Don't like your
partner? Change.
(2009 was the
first year divorces in China outnumbered marriages. The rate has fallen only
slightly. But given the national statistics consider the fact that rural
divorce is still relatively rare. That means urban divorce rates likely top
60%.)
You can look on
all of this as "opportunity" which is what the optimist and the
marketer do.
Or you can be
in the middle of it, as you are, and be confounded by the choices, the
pressures and the demands; to say nothing of your own expectations.
There are no
priests to go to with sage religious advice. Confucius is no help, really. Some
of his principles are useful. Many of his principles are hopelessly outdated
and damaging.
There are no
parents to go to because their worlds were so vastly different that they have a
hard enough time coping with their own lives.
More often than
not they do not begin to understand what you are talking about.
Yes you are
part of the unique generations between the old China of your parents and
grandparents that might as well be ancient history because it bears no
resemblance whatever to today, and the China that your children will inhabit
(and that you will have difficulty accommodating).
The one thing
you do not have that you must find time for is TIME.
Time to breathe
and think and contemplate.
My analogy is
the journalism my colleagues and I practised in Vietnam during the war. Ours
was a war with limits. In the field we were at work 24/7 but without satellites
and digital infrastructure we had to return to a base to file or ship film. The
TV day ended at 5:00p when the last flight left Tan Son Nhut airport in Saigon
for Hong Kong and beyond. Only the AP had a wire service that filed 24/7.
Evening meant a meal and time to think and contemplate the day and plan the
next day.
Even in the
field you found a place of relatively safety to recharge the body and the
stomach and energize for the next day.
Today,
journalism is a 24/7 enterprise. Anything that happens anywhere we expect to
pull out a smart phone and "see" the event, and hear it, and read
about it within seconds of its happening.
The mind
doesn't work that way. Our minds are not perpetual machines that can work
constantly without regeneration. And regeneration means time.
When the time
is taken away from the system and society, we need to make the time for
ourselves.
In your case it
may mean finding a way to be more patient dealing with the pressures of:
"this is not right for me",
"i don't
know what I want to do and it is not getting any easier to chose",
or "this
is a good opportunity".
The latter is
one worth considering.
Part of the
pressure you feel is what a person twice or three times your age often
feels.
Fleeting
time.
Time is not
fleeting for you. You have a cushion, even it doesn't feel like a cushion. You
see friends who are settled, seem content, happy, fixed and prospering.
Closer
examination usually reveals others are in their version of turmoil as well and
all is not what seems if it seems so good to us. We all have our demons, large
and small.
Much of what
you are experiencing is normal.
It is exactly
how you are supposed to feel at this stage and it may not get better soon. What
does change is your ability to live with insecurity. Accepting insecurity as
normal is part of the challenge. Understanding that insecurity usually stems
from fear of the unknown can be helpful.
"I can't
do this." Nonsense. Of course you can. But you may not want to and that is
legitimate.
"I don't
like this." May also be nonsense. Unless you can answer the question:
"why don't I like this?" you feel lost.
Norman Lear,
the most prolific TV writer/producer/director of his time (he is 92+) has
written an autobiography.
(At one point
in the 80s he had 7 of the most popular TV shows in the USA one the air at
once.)
At his 90th
birthday he had to escape at one point and walked the beach near his home,
alone.
Lear is a man
who loves people and work and activity and parties, and family. Why alone
walking the beach at 90?
Lear has lived
his life in chapters that he calls: NEXT. He realized that facing his next NEXT
it was unlikely that opportunities would fall into his lap. He had to
contemplate and make decisions that he had not had to make before. Choices had
always been easy for him because there were so many opportunities.
Like you he had
to create opportunities.
Find a beach to
walk on and keep thinking.